Unspoken Laws of the Clan:
Ways to Win Friends & Influence People
1. Those who are not Doones, and therefore not of ancient, and noble birth, are peons. They must be taught a lesson in who is in charge. Black leather and a scowl are always the most impressive; high boots and a heavy revolver are a must. The first way to catch their attention is by attacking their farm/village/barn/family and carrying off the women. (Women are easily impressionable and often stupid. They can be persuaded to love you by idle threats.) The cattle are to be stolen first and foremost; and in as noble a manner as possible. Never come quietly, for peons have little respect for those who slink into the town as if they didn't belong there. Everything this side of Rome belongs to the Doones; if they feel any loss, it's deserved for holding our property before we got there. Go with a head held high, ignoring the screams and pleas of the lunatic women. Above all, remain on your horse at all times. A Doone without a horse is not a Doone at all. Else you may be taken advantage of like our dear brother Richard, who was set upon by a gang of thieves and killed by the ringleader.
2. If insulting and overly defiant farm wives demand retribution for their husband's deaths (which would have never happened if they hadn't been so bloody stupid as to get in our way) they are to be treated with destain. Often they will be angry and are best dealt with using threats. The old "land and properties going to the victim" usually works wonders. If all else fails, a bribe is permissible, as long as it is done in as noble a manner as possible. Never allow them to consider that it is repayment; it is merely the noble Doones taking pity upon a poor farmer's wife innocent of her husband's evil deeds.
3. Longing looks and seductive tones will immediately gain you the adoration of young women. Admiring their beauty is always a compliment, as is keeping them in as close a proximity as possible. Women are conniving creatures, not to be trusted and fully capable of playing games. When they say "No," they mean "Yes." Tormenting us men is their one pursuit in life; their purpose is for having children and obeying us. A defiant woman must be threatened into submission. A choke-hold is always permissible. It's common knowledge that women like to be bullied, and therefore threatening them into it works 99.9% of the time. If the "choke" fails, resort to gunpoint. They will fall madly in love with you. But remember... if you fail, the Doones fail with you.
4. The choke-hold will also work with defiant and sneering politicians. As we all know, politicians are lower than grit. Our paying them for their influence is merely a compassionate aid upon our part, for otherwise their heads would roll. As such, they are always beholding to us for our generosity. If they refuse to bow to authority, they must be snapped like a twig, always in the presence of family.
5. When raiding farmlands always go in the dark of night, but make them well aware of who you are. Announcing that you are the enemy gains you respect. Torching the house and barns is always popular. Kill all the men and children. Children are lower than peons and therefore not worthy of keeping. (Unless, of course, they are Doone children. Then a mere bunt out of the way with a boot heralds a good upbringing.) Take as few men as possible, since one Doone could hold off an army of a thousand. This is common knowledge. (Doone Guidebook, Page 12, Paragraph 3.)
6. When choosing up sides in a war, never allow yourself to be blinded by self-pity. Choosing the rebel side will gain you an advantage. Never choose the rightful leader's side, as it shows too much submissiveness.
7. When expelling unwanted peons from the Valley, a blindfold is very helpful. It gives them a sense that you are in control. Particularly dislikable creations are worthy of tripping on the way out; just do it with dignity and always accompany it with a threat. Something akin to blowing their brains out always leaves an impression, especially if they don't like you anyway.
8. Some Doones are less noble than you, others higher. Bow with insolence to those higher, and kick the duffs of those lower. Insolence gives you more respect. Kicking duff also gains respect. Smart-mouthing your superior is dangerous but often grants you a grudging likability, especially when buttering up someone. When you reach a point of familiarity, demands can be made, with the appropriate pounding of the table and gritted teeth. It gives you that wolfish determination we are looking for in a leader.
9. Some Doones are stupid. The stupid Doones are killed off; the smart ones live to rule the Valley. It is up to us, as the head of the clan, to rule over these inferiors with a strong hand. They would walk through fire for us, and it must be kept that way. Fear demands submissive and instant obedience. Outsiders are not to be intimately trusted, but can be a valuable source of information in times of stress.
10. If all else fails, shoot them.